i cant remember the last time i felt good.. like really good..
i so swear i have never been irritated so much by proj.. n as much as i say dat i will make sure dey do stuff.. n i promise nver be frustrated at procrastinators or lacklustre work n jus nicely tell dem..
but i still feel irritated deep inside..
BUT HEY.. i have never flared up at my group member before.. which is a good thing isn't it..

sometimes i feel damn manipulated by things around me.. just like how i have totally lost control over the wonderful things around me..
i haven't stood up from my last failure.. no im not giving up.. im still trying to crawl up.. inch my way up dere and lift my head up high again..
no but i still haven't been given a chance to...
sometimes i don't understand why.. but i know.. as long as i don't give up and let dose horrible external factors affect me.. one day my undying spirit will let me achieve something...
i was initially blaming the world.. like for every single thing... and i forgot to count my blessings...

it's not as if no one in the world understand me...
the moment she said: seems like you have dedicated part of your love for medicine to ****
HEH!

I'm unsure about whether i can take medicine now that my mum doesn't like the idea.. and she wants me to take mass comm.. n you can so speculate the routes of career she has gladly opened up for me based on her o-so-good understanding of me..
but i don't care.. still going to take it up.. even though practically every single person in my life has told me..
"you can't be a doctor"
"i'm gonna be laugh if you ever become a doctor"
"you will leave a pair of scissors in the patient's stomach"
"i will never look for you if i ever carry a baby"

it's okay lah.. just that recently have been wondering whether i can make it based on my lacklustre results.. and loads of sincere people have been asking me why the hell did i come vj when i aspired to become a doctor..
i should be going RJ or HC..
then I actually thought of transferring to RJ at the end of this year these few days..
but i know i cannot bear the thought of doing so lah...

actually i think the best decision i ever made in my life was to come into the VIP(:
okay lah.. i admit the teachers are biased.. and they so happened to be pro-grace
I quite grew up and found a group of wonderful bunch of friends like jm alicea and debbyling who are truly understanding and so gladly can rely on that it so does not matter if the whole world falls down on me...
i nver thought i could run for nuts.. my natural flair for running still remains.. even though my body agility still sucks big time but i guess god compensated running for that(: so even now i don't do my regular 8ks and 10ks anymore and my calve muscles have shrunk x0.3 times.. im still blessed with decent running pace and still feel a sense of deep composure in me... and i refound my initial purpose and reason to run..
you run for a reason.. you don't just run like that.. and you don't run to win the people running around you.. or else you are jus running for shit... that's what i realised.. and i'm so enjoying everything...

i'm still pretty far from the two loves of my life... still it seems like an achievable dream to me..
quite crazy thoughts i have if i don't achieve them eventually i shall just leave Singapore and go lead a quiet life where technology is absent... (like i wonder whether there will be such a place in future)
or uhh.. open a chocolate restaurant.. jus like how i said i wld go HAWAII AND SELL ICE-CREAM BY THE BEACH..

my dear friend had a friend who asked her: what's your future ambition
and my dear friend answered: i have a friend who's going hawaii to sell ice-cream when she grow up.. so i guess im joining her..

xie le friend.. like for the past dno how many years of my life..
never in my life have I have been plagued by such a strong sense of insecurity and despair and cynism of the things around me.. like towards many many things...
even so.. i don't see anything wrong in that..
solace i seek in the big blessings i have...

believe me..
and i know i won't..